Temperance
by mi-chan2
Summary: *SHONEN-AI* Kaworu ponders homosexuality vs. religion, and his feelings for Shinji... and Shinji, 2 years after the Third Impact incident, does the same.


TITLE: Temperance  
AUTHOR: Shell  
SERIES: Neon Genesis Evangelion  
RATING: PG  
NOTES: The meaning of this fic is kinda lost once I get to the fluffy part... the whole religion vs. homosexuality thing. If you have any suggestions as to how I can incorporate those ideas in the ending, let me know. I hate it when my plot strays.  
  
  
It is true, that humans fear what they do not understand. But it is also true that they fear what they believe to understand. Take God for example. This invisible, omnipotent being controlling the cosmos, the Father of the universe. We are His children, His beloved creatures sworn to Him by our religious oaths never to sin. We follow Him like lost sheep, looking for meaning in our hollow, shabby lives. Why do we follow Him, He who we can't confirm exists? Why do we abide by his wishes, though we cannot possibly know what these wishes are? There are exceptions to every rule; in religion there seems to be many of those. And there are too many religions, with so many different beliefs... but all pray to the same God. But... how can we be sure... that He exists?  
  
My name is Nagisa Kaoru, 14 years old. I have pondered these things for many years; living amongst the humans and trying to understand, and accept, their ways. But ultimately I see them all as hypocrites. They realize not their own mistakes, nor the future they bring upon themselves. Yet they are always doing what is 'just', sinning in the process. They killed Angels... my family... believing it just, but it was just sinful in the end. I cannot think about this, though, as a few tears drop from my dark eyelashes.   
  
I do not understand their God. I do not understand their concept of 'religion'.  
  
However, I do understand... what it is like... to love.  
  
Yet 'love' to these humans is a very confusing concept. Why... why do they torture themselves? To love is to love, yet they are all mislead by appearances and what their God tells them that they pass up love all the time. How can this be? How can something so great as love go by unnoticed like that of because to them it is wrong? God loves us all, no matter our sins, no matter our pasts, and no matter our manipulating, hypocritical, conniving ways... so why should He despise love? Why should something so simple as loving another be shamed so?  
  
I once asked Misato-san about this.   
  
"Why is it so wrong, to love another who has captured your heart so?"  
  
"What do you mean, Kaoru-kun?"  
  
I smiled at her then, my typical ear-to-ear grin, knowing full well that she'd be ignorant as to what I meant. "Your God and your customs... do they not abhor the pure love between men?"  
  
"God does not abhor love, nor do we," She said, obviously oblivious to what I really meant, taking 'men' as the general term associated with the whole human race. "God is Love; and without Love, we cannot perceive Him nor be grateful for our fellow mankind, or our existence."  
  
I pointed to the Bible I held in one hand. "ROMANS 1:26-27:  
  
'For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.'"  
  
I read these words leisurely, not bothering to watch for the shock in her face as I continued. I could feel her flush and the increase of her heartbeat as my eyes lifted from the book to the look of almost-horror in her eyes. "Kaoru-kun..." she began, forcing a soft smile. "What... Are you saying? Shinji-- "  
  
I shrugged my shoulders, handing the Bible to Misato. "I am merely wondering how mankind can be happy... when he denies himself the happiness that he desires."  
  
I walked off, leaving her to wonder.  
  
Wonder... to wonder... I love that word. I once found an old dictionary laying around in the basement of a library here in Tokyo. It surely must have been a hundred years old.  
  
won·der ('w&n-d&r, n.) Etymology: Middle English, from Old English wundor; akin to Old High German wuntar wonder  
Date: before 12th century  
1 a : a cause of astonishment or admiration b : MIRACLE  
2 : the quality of exciting amazed admiration  
3 a : rapt attention or astonishment at something awesomely mysterious or new to one's experience b : a feeling of doubt or uncertainty  
  
I know for a fact that it is this Misato felt, as most unknowing humans do when confronted with such. I believe they call it... homosexuality. Gay and Lesbian. Twinks and Dikes. Homos and Queers. Something along those lines. Some references to it seem rather vulgar; I know just by listening to the way these humans joke. Does she label me as such?   
  
Humans preach love and kindness to their fellow man; yet they forget that these 'homos' are men as well. That they are deserving of kindness, and love... does liking someone anatomically identical to oneself deem one inhumane? Is this sin? Can it truly be considered sin, given it is merely happiness in its purest form, living and loving and caring for one you hold in your heart dearly? Does anatomy need to play a part in love? Or are genitalia merely sexual accessories, tools of pleasure with which to shame? If giving into one's natural instinct... regarding love and sex... is a sin... then I am a sinner of the highest caliber.  
  
Sex before marriage is also a sin. So do we deem those who have given into their lustful, human nature outside of wedlock inhumane? Of course not. Misato doesn't think so, anyway. I can smell the sex radiating off her smooth skin, even after she showers. She likes to have sex in the morning, and lots of it; with that man named Kaji. They are not married, yet they give into their lust thus reserving their places in Hell.  
  
I'll save them a seat next to me.  
  
Hmph. Temperance.   
  
At least they will be happy.  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
"Shinji," I said, brushing a few stray locks of chestnut from his eyes. "You look tired."  
  
"...I'm just thinking."  
  
"About?"  
  
He was silent a moment, like so much as usual. It would not be normal to not have to pry his feelings from him.   
  
"About my father." He flushes a little at this; I know he is feeling uncomfortable. I hook my arm through his, watching the golden sunrise over the rubble that was once Tokyo 3. He is scared, I know... he doesn't want to open up lest he hurt himself in the process. I need to show him that there's nothing to fear; that I would never bestow upon him the same "courtesy" those close to him have in the past.  
  
"I love you, Shinji," I whisper into his ear reassuringly. He blushes even brighter, all the way up to the roots of his dark bangs. He needs to hear this, no matter how ashamed or embarrassed or dirty he may feel in loving another... and even if said other is male.  
  
"He doesn't love me, Kaoru-kun. He never has," his voice lowers a bit, and he sounds matured. "So unlike like you..."  
  
I laugh. "I would hope your father doesn't love you the way I do; I'd be jealous if that were true."  
  
Shinji is taken back a bit. "Are you implying...?"  
  
"Yes," I breathe into his ear, snaking my arms around his fragile frame. He stiffens some. "I do not want you to feel uncomfortable, Shinji-kun. I only want you to feel happy."  
  
He loosens up a bit, his gaze wandering off to one side. He is avoiding something... a feeling... his feelings... what he really desires...  
  
"Do you love me, Shinji?"  
  
His head snaps around to meet my questioning gaze; my smile never fades. It lends him the reassurance he needs. He needs to know I am not mocking him; that my sincerity needs not be taken with a grain of salt. I am true to him, as he is true to everyone. I give him what he has asked for all along, and with it, I hope he can find it in his heart to share the same with me. We have both been so alone... so confused...  
  
He nods, grunting in confirmation. I feel that if he were to speak he might explode with embarrassment. Instead, I merely cuddle him against my frame, resting my chin atop his head, running a hand along a shaky arm. He is trembling.  
  
"What's wrong, Shinji-kun?"  
  
_Temperance._  
  
He is silent.  
  
_Shame._  
  
He plays with a button on my shirt, with not seduction, but with contemplation.   
  
_Discomfiture._  
  
I let him play; he is a tactile-kinetic thinker after all. I know what he is worried about; he is afraid that I will exploit him, use him, then throw him away once I'm done with him like so many others have. That I only desire his abilities, and nothing more; that I have no interest in him as a person.   
  
_Human._  
  
"I am afraid," he speaks, lowering his head.   
  
_Angel._  
  
"I know."  
  
"I've only known you a day... and yet... you've been nicer to me these past 24 hours then anyone has been to me my entire life," Shinji sobs. I let him cry; he is only human, after all.  
  
_Religion._  
  
"Shinji... let it out, love," I soothe, feeling him tense up again. I gently massage the area where his neck meets his shoulder, and his sobs are reduced to sniffles. I don't stop, though; it is quite obvious even his mother has never touched him so lovingly. "I'm not going to hurt you, Shinji--"  
  
_Deceit._  
  
"--Just relax." My fingers dance lightly over his skin, kneading out fourteen-year-old knots and kinks with my knuckles. He croons and grunts softly, his head bobbing from side to side at my ministrations. He purrs slightly, his body melding with my motions and eliciting moans in the process. He closes his eyes...  
  
"That feels so good," he says. "Kaoru-kun..."  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Why are you so nice to me?"  
  
"Because I like you." I know this is not the specific answer he is looking for, so I elaborate. "I do not pity you, Shinji. I sympathize, and I respect how strong you are, despite what everyone else thinks. No one should have to shoulder the burdens you have had to in your lifetime. I admire how observant you are, how creative you are, your artistic ability... and your search for happiness. Out of the hundreds of people working at NERV, you are the only one who has shown me what it is like to be human; and I thank you."  
  
"But why? I'm weak, I'm whiny, and I cry..."  
  
"You are human," I say again, nuzzling his neck with my nose.  
  
"Then what does that make you?"  
  
"A relative of Rei's." I realize again that this is not the answer he is searching for. But he will know in due time... and that saddens me on the inside. I show it not on the outside for I fear what is to come; I fear for Shinji, not for me. I fear what he will do once I'm gone... because I know I'm leaving. I won't be here to witness mankind's salvation.   
  
...I'm to be the cause of their premise.  
  
"Kaoru-kun... will you stay with me?"   
  
I look into Shinji's eyes. He's actually making eye contact, which surprises me, somewhat. He's serious--and I cannot lie, not to Shinji. The melancholy in my eyes gleams back at him, a frown gracing my lips. He 'hmmms' thoughtfully and hugs me tightly.   
  
He understands. Oh God, he understands... and if you do exist... please, God.   
  
Watch over him.  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
"How could you, Kaoru?! You betrayed me, like everyone else! I trusted you!"  
  
I remember the panic; the feeling of being betrayed portrayed in his voice when he caught up with me once I reached Lillith. I could have died from sheer shame alone that day. I turned on him--no, I had been against him from the beginning. His enemy. But I had no intention of harming him, and from that, I had no intention of bringing down the world he called home. So instead... I died by his hand; and I wouldn't have had it any other way.  
  
And I've discovered... true happiness.  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
Ikari Shinji. That's my name. I'm 16 years old, a sophomore this year in high school. Tokyo was rebuilt yet again, after the disaster that could have been the Third Impact. Many of the survivors have finally crawled out of hiding, going about their normal lives as if nothing had happened. That's what I hate about this world so much. They're all so naive.  
  
Pisses me off... to the point of wanting to end it all now. But I know deep down... in that cherished memory I have locked away in my heart... that He wouldn't want that. The one who died to save us all...  
  
I miss him, it's true. I've tried making more friends, too, after arriving to this new school. Rei and Asuka are here as well; I don't really remember how they all survived it all, or even if they did. Maybe they're dead and this is a dream, another lie to top off the mountain of deceit that's been shoved in my face my entire life. I'm not bitter about that though, not really... not ever since I made friends with Him.  
  
But I pinch myself just in case.  
  
I sit at my desk in my dark and dreary room, fiddling around with the envelope I've saved tucked away in a box these past two years. After the... Third Impact incident... I returned to His apartment to get my things. I found this envelope, addressed to me on the nightstand.  
  
I've never opened it. I'm afraid to. I know what it says; regrets, confessions of undying love even after death. It'll just make me cry more. And I'm sick of being sad. I want this all to end! Why don't I just end it now? Then I can truly be with Him!   
  
... But don't worry. I know that's the easy way out. He told me so. He wanted me to live... and that's why he died. Besides, someone's got to be here to pick on Asuka. Rei doesn't have a sense of humor for such things... but she is getting better. She smiles more now, reminding me so much of Him, the way he smiled warmly at me the first time we met. He was so beautiful there; an Angel in disguise, but not in disguise. Know what I mean?   
  
NERV has kept its operations rather hush-hush these days. There are no more Angels, after all. He was the last of Them, and now... we can experience some peace. There are still the other organizations of the world to worry about... the one's opposed to NERV, and the one's trying to save the environment after the disaster, but we're doing fairly well. There will be a couple of emergencies every now and then... nothing much, just earthquakes and tsunami and typhoons to worry about. Typical Japanese disasters--nothing out of the ordinary, though we all assume the worst possible outcome. We can't help it; we're so used to war, and battles, and sadness that we accept it.  
  
I haven't heard from my dad... I assume he's still doing stuff for NERV. But that's fine by me. He can stay there as far as I'm concerned.   
  
And that's all I have to say about that.  
  
I set my tray down at the lunch table, readying myself for another lonely lunch with no one to talk to. I scan the cafeteria for Rei and Asuka; those two have been attached at the hip since the Third Impact fiasco. I can't blame them, really... but I can't help but feel excluded. It doesn't matter, though... I'm used to it, so I go about my business and finish my meal.   
  
Upon leaving the lunchroom, I take one more glance and my eye is caught by something silver in the hustle and bustle of students. Thinking it's Rei, I look closer, almost ready to greet her, until I...  
  
...stop...  
  
...And my heart skips a beat. It is not Rei. It is... silver hair... a cocky smile... and a pair of red eyes... looking at me for just a second, before drawing their attention elsewhere.   
  
I... panic at first; my heart beating so fast I feel it may burst from my chest at any moment. I quickly step out of the lunchroom, hugging a wall as I fight to catch my breath.   
  
"K-k... Kaoru-kun..." I whisper, a drop of sweat trickling down my chin. I reach into my coat pocket for a tissue, and feel something flimsy, like paper, instead. I pull it out...   
  
It is Kaoru's letter. The one addressed to me.   
  
Strange... I don't remember putting it there. I shrug my shoulders and tear it open... maybe what I saw in the lunchroom was an omen or something. Yeah! A hallucination. I'm just seeing things. Kaoru just wants me to read his letter; that's got to be it.   
  
I unfolded the letter and read the short message inside... and my jaw dropped. A single tear slid down my cheek before I wiped it away, my head and heart and soul so confused... and yet so... indescribably content that I felt like I would faint. I couldn't contain myself.  
  
And with one last sob, I ran for Him... for Kaoru... the letter dropping to the floor.  
  
  
Shinji,  
  
If you're reading this... you must be very sad.   
  
Please, do not feel anything for me... I betrayed you. I understand that trust is earned and it is something of yours that I will never attain. But please, do not hate me. I knew from the moment I looked into your eyes that I existed for you. I could not bear it if you hated me...  
  
As I can not stand it now...  
  
Because... I know we shall meet again someday, in Hell. I'll save a seat for you, next to me. I love you, Shinji, and I will be waiting.  
  
Love,  
Nagisa Kaoru  
  
  
P.S. ... who knows... maybe all that cloning your father does will come in handy and I won't have to wait that long to see you again...  
  
  
I, Ikari Shinji, have found my happiness.  
  
  
  
~END~ 


End file.
